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Replacing two little words can change your life

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When I teach dance, there is a strict rule in my class – never say “I can’t”.

At 3 or 4 years of age, little ones will explore and imitate movements and actions. They giggle happily, and if they don’t do it perfectly they giggle some more. Somewhere around 5 or 6, the dreaded “I can’t” begins to creep its way into their vocabulary. It hasn’t taken over yet, but it gives them some pause. At 8, “I can’t” is a dooming force that precedes almost everything new. As soon as something seems challenging, a child will exclaim “I can’t”. In my classes this is always met with a chorus of kids saying “oooooohhhhh” as if a bad word has been spoken, because it has. At this age, I have to offer coaching to get the child to truly give it a try. We replace “I can’t” with “I can do my best”, and remember that learning a new skill requires practice, so perfection is not expected.

Recently I taught a kids conditioning class where two teams of kids raced through an obstacle course to get to the soccer ball first and kick it through the cones. Sounded easy until I told them they had to do the whole course while balancing a bean bag on their heads. The 5-7 year old group was a little taken aback, but they went for it, and did a great job. The 8 and up age group immediately shut down, they didn’t think they could do it, and didn’t want to try. Some kids actually sat down and refused to participate. We went through with the activity as planned. The kids were dropping their bean bags constantly, and getting more and more frustrated. They were reinforcing their initial belief of “I can’t”. By the time everyone had their turn, most of the group was very upset and complaining about the activity. Once again, this age group required some coaching. We talked about replacing “I can’t” with “I can do my best”. Then we discussed the worst case scenario.

What is the worst thing that can happen? i-can

The bean bag will fall off my head.

What happens then?

Pick it up, and keep going.

Is this a big deal?

No.

Lastly, we talked about not taking ourselves so seriously. This is supposed to be fun, so let go, and have some fun. They decided to give it another chance. This time they really tried. The difference was amazing. They did such a better job, and they actually had fun.

We are programmed to avoid failure. It ensures the survival of our species. However, if we are not planning to out run a lion then this fear factor generally doesn’t serve our best interest, and actually prevents us from reaching our true potential.

Have you ever stopped yourself from giving it all before you even started? I know I have; many times. By breaking down blocks and beliefs buried deep down in my subconscious, I have been able to open myself to so many more opportunities. This summer when we had the opportunity to move our family to a new state, leave our community of 20 years, and start all over again my knee jerk reaction was a bit of a pull back – we can’t do that. Why can’t we do that? It will probably be hard. So? What worth having isn’t hard? So we went for it, and are so happy we did. Was it easy? No, but what worth having is? It took a lot of work to reset my mindset and subconscious beliefs to get to this point, but it sure is exciting and gratifying to fully live life.

Be on the lookout for your “I can’ts”. They come in many disguises “it’s not possible”, “I don’t know enough”, “limited resources”, and so on. Then begin to imagine what it would be like to be those kids with the bean bags. Replace “I can’t” with “I can do my best”. Conquer perfection paralysis by picking up that dropped bean bag, and keep going. Enjoy yourself and the moments, and don’t take yourself so seriously.

One of the kids in the class decided that she would dance around like a fluffy, pink unicorn on a rainbow cloud so that she didn’t take herself so seriously. That seems like sound advice to me, give it a try 🙂

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Who Says Women Can’t Have It All?

A Google search for “women CAN have it all” reveals a  multitude of results staring back at you that say “women CAN’T have it all”.

This is the message we have been given, often from a very early age along with other limiting messages that have prevented us from becoming our authentic selves. While these statements seem harmless, they shape our subconscious beliefs. Then when we try to accomplish the so-called impossible, that subconscious belief sabotages success, and provides you with a life experience that further fuels that negative subconscious belief. It becomes a vicious circle, and very difficult to break.

Once upon a time I received a new table. It had leaves that extended the size of the table, and I was told that both leaves had to be extended at the same time, that it was not possible to extend only one side. For years I used the table, and countless times I wished that I could extend only one side for the perfect size, but I tolerated the table either too big or too small until one day I extended only one leaf, and it worked. I couldn’t believe I had never even tried for all that time.

I realize the table is a pretty simple matter, but for me it represented so much more. How many times had I just accepted what I was told, and gave up? What other things had I not even tried?

You can’t do the work you love, otherwise it would be called play.

Having your own business means endless work hours with little rewards.

Dancing is a hobby, not employment.

You’re not cut-throat enough to be successful in business.

Life is hard.

I always had a tendency to speak my mind, yet I was very obedient. In my quest to constantly “do the right thing” I found myself not achieving the results I wanted. I thought for sure that I must need to work harder, and so I did. Yet still not getting those rewards. In fact now I was sacrificing my family time, which sort of defeated the purpose. I pursued training and coaching to be told that I was doing everything I should, and I should expect my success, but still it didn’t come. That’s when I started The Have It All Method ™. Of course, then it wasn’t wrapped up in a neat little package. Through exploration, I was able to identify very specific and effective techniques that allowed me to improve my health holistically, tackle fears and subconscious beliefs, and gain clarity on what I actually wanted instead of fulfilling expectations.

Since that time, I have accomplished things I never believed that I would. I fulfilled my childhood dream of becoming a dance instructor, I left the comfort of regular paychecks and benefits to have my own business, and I began a new chapter of my life by picking up and moving with my family to a new place that we had quietly yearned to go to for some time. At one time, I never would have grasped these opportunities when they presented themselves. I would have let them go, telling myself things like I don’t know enough, or it would be too difficult. Not to mention, I would not have realized how important these things were for me, yet I found myself fulfilling my dreams, having a family life, and dare I say doing well. I’m not suggesting that everyone run out to become a dance teacher, but lets find out what your true passion is and how to support it mind, body, and spirit.

success

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My Move Story – Week 1

So many women gather and bond over their birth stories. We love to tell them, they invoke a rainbow of emotions, and every story is different even for the same woman. I am in my first week of a move from St. Petersburg, FL to Raleigh, NC and already the story has become a birth story in its own right. So I thought I’d share it.

The story begins before the actual move with the closing of a door in St. Petersburg and the opening of another door in Raleigh. My family decided to toss fear aside and go for it. My husband left right away to begin his new opportunity and get things set up in Raleigh while leaving me to pack and take care of all of the details with my 12 year old daughter and 3 year old son (yes – 3 years old). One of our biggest challenges was finding a place to live in Raleigh. Apparently, all forms of housing were going like hotcakes, and we weren’t grabbing fast enough. My husband’s days were spent at work, which left me searching for homes in NC from FL (not an easy task). We finally found a town home we really liked nestled in beautiful trees and near a creek, and the price was right. Success!

So the time came for my husband to fly in and help us get to Raleigh. He flew out on a Friday evening, and had to be back to work early Monday morning (so, no pressure of a timeline – ha). His flight that was scheduled to arrive in Tampa at 10pm finally landed at 3am due to weather delays. He actually could have driven home in the amount of time he spent in the airport, which delayed our short timeline. No worries though, we got straight to work on Saturday morning loading the truck, the car, and anyplace we could stuff our belongings. This also took longer than we hoped despite having some of the most amazing friends helping out, so our hoped departure of Saturday afternoon turned into Saturday evening, but we were still motivated. We traveled as late and as far as we could go on Saturday night until we finally stopped at a hotel that night. I had figured we would need to stay one night in a hotel, so I left out some pajamas and toothbrushes for everyone, and we were ready to hit the road again first thing Sunday morning. As we committed to the bulk of the drive on Sunday morning with my husband driving the moving truck, and me driving the rental car (our van was already in NC) with the children and dog, I realized I was driving WITH the children and the dog. The trip began with stopping every hour for a certain old dog and his nervous bladder. Once he settled down, my 3 year old commenced with a 20 mile fit about his shoe. It was all ok, because we were knocking down the miles, and we were going to make it so my husband could get to work on time the next morning. Two hours left to go and we get a phone call from the property manager of the town home.

There’s been a flood.

HUH?

After a long weekend of packing, lifting, loading, and driving we got to our town home that had spent its weekend under about 5ft of water. The sight of the home was traumatic. Looking around you could see the dirty water line covering all the walls almost like a chair rail where the creek water rose to in this unprecedented event. Heavy appliances such as the refrigerator and washing machine were knocked over from the force of the water. In the parking lot cars were tossed wherever the water felt like leaving them. Suddenly all of our delays became so clear, and we were so grateful for them. Not about our belongings being ruined (although we are grateful for that), but that we didn’t spend any time with our children trapped on the second floor while our first floor filled up like a pool, which I can only imagine was terrifying. Every time I even think about it, my heart goes out to the people that did have that experience, and all I can do is send them healing love, prayers and energy.

The American Red Cross helped the residents including us, which allowed us to get into a hotel after our very long weekend. We dropped off our rental car, which charged us an extra day for being late, and told me “floods happen” when I explained the circumstances – that’s Budget Rental Car in case you were interested. We rested for the night, and woke the next morning to the realization of – now what?

I began a new home search (at least I was actually in NC this time), but unfortunately many places still weren’t available until late August or September. Our property manager came through with an apartment in a sister community. While we were so relieved for this placement, we knew that the location and apartment were not going to work for us. I felt terrible even asking, but I did ask to see if there was another location we could go to. The property manager and the regional manager didn’t even blink, they came up with another plan to get us into a place we really like, but it would take up to 15 days.

So today we have a roof over our heads in the temporary apartment, while the other is being prepared. We have access to some of our belongings, but most of them are still locked in a truck. Though we may have been spared losing our belongings to a flood, we do fear losing some to the 100 degree heat as they cook in the truck for one week so far. Now that we are out of the hotel where we could not ever leave the dog unattended, and in an apartment, we have been able to get into Target and buy a change of clothes and some food and essentials to get by (remember I only left out 1 set of pajamas and toothbrushes for the trip). Also, we can now do laundry daily without having to put on a bathing suit as we did in the hotel.

You can see how this move has certainly taken on some of the adventure and emotion of our beloved birth stories. Although our birth stories always leave us with fulfillment and love as they end with that gorgeous little being placed in our arms. This one, while still a test of strength and flexibility, is not quite as certain yet. My gratitude, for the amazing nature of people both familiar and unfamiliar and in the universe always throwing out a safety net, comforts me. However, with my foundation shaken beneath me (my root chakra) leaves me with those questioning thoughts – like was this a bad idea? Needless to say, the story is not over yet and “I am positively expecting great results no matter what I see in front of me. The universe is rearranging itself for my best interest right now”.

root chakra

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Kalusion is Moving!

Much like my other two children, Kalusion was born in St. Petersburg, FL. Yet here we are looking to move all of them to another state – Raleigh, NC. It’s amazing how the universe is unfolding opportunities for you, and how freaking brave you have to be to grab them. We saw the opportunity before us, and knew we couldn’t let fear or comfort stop us from seizing it. We had to be willing to get really uncomfortable and push into the unknown trusting only our guts.

It’s an exciting, uncomfortable, butterflies in the belly, holy crap – what am I doing? time. Yet, no matter how happy I am to go to an area that I love with FOUR actual seasons, I also mourn leaving the incredible, amazing community I leave behind in St. Pete. I have always loved it here, and have been here my entire adult life having arrived fresh after college graduation. I will miss the wonderful friends I have made here, and find myself actually grateful for Facebook, knowing I will be able to keep up with everyone.

As far as the business goes, I am still here for you. I am coaching families virtually, and my teas and granola can come right to your door step now. It is also my hope to offer video of Chakra Flow movement sessions in the future. So, even though we won’t be physically together, we also won’t be apart.

success

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Breaking Out of My Mind Prison

When the circus gets a baby elephant, they put enormous shackles on that it can’t get out of. As that elephant grows and grows, those shackles are useless to its physical strength, but the elephant doesn’t know that. The elephant has learned that it can’t escape them so it doesn’t even try. That elephant is imprisoned by its own limiting beliefs.

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This is something I’ve been working on with myself A LOT. After a very long career of helping people in a non-profit human services setting to gain independence after realizing physical, mental health, and emotional “disabilities” I realized I could be of more value if I got to these people before so many of their issues became a reality. So many small shifts could prevent these huge problems, and I felt compelled (a calling) to provide this.

So I did it (with a little push from the universe). I began my business to provide health coaching and education to heal people’s lives. What I didn’t realize was that this would challenge me in a way I had never experienced before. I did not realize I had limiting beliefs about money and career that would make me spin around uselessly for quite some time.

I learned that if your thoughts and beliefs aren’t in alignment, you produce inconsistent action. So while I’m thinking “I will help people while earning an income with my own business”, my deep down belief (subconscious) was saying “Ha ha, loser! You can’t have financial security working for yourself AND you certainly can’t make money doing work you love. If we all did what we love, it would be called PLAY and not WORK”

So, it seemed my subconscious is sort of an a-hole. Great.

The other thing I learned is that when your thoughts (conscious) and beliefs (subconscious) are at war, the subconscious always wins (a-hole).

Then I started paying attention around me, and I saw mind prisons everywhere. When I teach kids to dance, they will try any move you demonstrate until around the age of 5. That’s when the dooming “I can’t” seems to dominate their every (lack of) effort. Not only that, but as soon as one child is exposed to that airborne “I can’t” the contagion spreads to them, and then they “can’t” either.

It’s in every part of our life, every problem we feel.

Health – Someone wants to have good health, but their belief is that their family has a long history of health problems (blood pressure, diabetes, etc) so they will have it too. With that mindset, every attempt that person makes to get healthy becomes sabotaged.

Love – unlucky in love, don’t deserve love

Finance – only the 1% can have an abundance of money, rich people are jerks

Self-care – it’s selfish to take time for yourself, mothers should sacrifice themselves for their family

The list goes on.

Another thing I learned is that these self-limiting beliefs were given to us usually in childhood from teachings we received, from media, and from our education system. They are buried so deep, that we often don’t even realize that they are there. I didn’t. It just seems that every time you make an effort it is met with failure.

It took tremendous work on my part to uncover my limiting beliefs. As a dancer and mover, that is my outlet for healing. Gabrielle Roth, founder of 5 Rhythms, said “to calm the mind, move the body”. So that’s what I did. I began dancing each of my chakras, massaging them, doing mantras, meditation. I expected to learn my root chakra was the one troubling me. Finances are a big part of feeling stable, and grounded, which is what the root chakra represents. However, as I moved along through the sacral chakra, then to the solar plexus chakra – WHOA, suddenly I had goose bumps and chills all over, and realized my struggle was more about feeling like I didn’t deserve success in my life. After clearing my mind through movement, I would journal. Sometimes I would journal with no topic – just free writing, other times I would write about a topic specific to the chakra. Every session revealed to me something new, something I had no idea was there.

Now I had found it! – My mind prison. But how do I break out? There was more work to be done. I had to change my subconscious. How in the world do you do that?freedom

I had to start with managing my emotions. Stay out of the dark side, and have faith – faith that I am not alone, faith that I am secure, faith that I am looked after, faith that I will be saved from drowning. Basically, I was staying away from stress, doubt, worry, discouragement, and any other low vibration emotion. This was coupled with positive expectations, goal cards, mind movies, continued chakra dance, movement, and journaling. I got help and accountability from coaches, mentors, and my tribe. And, I still continue to invest in myself and do this work because I don’t accept that I should be limited.

All of this is actually what gave birth to The Have It All Method movement and coaching program. I had so many breakthroughs, realizations, epiphanies, tears, smiles, laughs,and healing moments to break my tiny little shackles that I wanted other people to find their freedom too. After all, the whole reason I started this journey was to help people.

What is your limiting belief?

To learn more about making the shift from doing it all to HAVING IT ALL visit www.kalusion.com